Prayer

I really wish I could say I was a prayer warrior.  Someone who took all and everything to God in a never-ending conversation.  I am afraid I can't tell you that.

Just recently at a Bible study I go to I shared how I find prayer really difficult.  In fact, I told the ladies that sometimes I find prayer scary.  I am afraid of what the answers may be and how I will react to them!  I look back at some of the big prayers I have prayed and still can't work out why I got NOs.  Some of my biggest struggles with prayer are in regards to my family.  Being a wife and a mum was a large part of my desires when I was a little girl.  Family life has not always been easy for me (I really can't explain all here as I am just too British: Stiff-upper lip and all that).  I thought having children would be a piece of cake: after all miscarriage and having problems with child-bearing are genetic right?  Umm, no.  I prayed some specific prayers but still got the answer NO.  After 8 years of various struggles I had my 2 girls.  And being a mum has been full of things I would never have dreamed of: good and bad.

I still pray.  Although, sometimes big stuff I am reluctant to bring to God.  The answers scare me.  So I will keep going on and one day I will be able to trust fully again.  Christians tell me that God has my good at the centre of His thinking (which in many respects I know and believe) and then they spend hours worrying about small things, sometimes to the point of inactivity. I am afraid Christians can be glib sometimes.  I know I have btdt many a time.

Having said all that.  I came home and wished I hadn't been so open.  Now these ladies know something that I haven't shared with anyone (except my husband); at least not to the extend I told them.  I am a PK and a PW so prayer should be easy for me!?!?!  Later that day I was surfing the internet and I came across a website that has really helped me.  Someone else understood how I think sometimes.  My thoughts on infertility, not being able to be pregnant, bear a child, losing a few months of your child's life etc etc.

I read this article.  Story a little different but someone understood.  Maybe, if I can understand that my feelings in this are perfectly normal then I will be able to untangle my problems with prayer and trust.