I really wish I could say I was a prayer warrior. Someone who took all and everything to God in a never-ending conversation. I am afraid I can't tell you that.
Just recently at a Bible study I go to I shared how I find prayer really difficult. In fact, I told the ladies that sometimes I find prayer scary. I am afraid of what the answers may be and how I will react to them! I look back at some of the big prayers I have prayed and still can't work out why I got NOs. Some of my biggest struggles with prayer are in regards to my family. Being a wife and a mum was a large part of my desires when I was a little girl. Family life has not always been easy for me (I really can't explain all here as I am just too British: Stiff-upper lip and all that). I thought having children would be a piece of cake: after all miscarriage and having problems with child-bearing are genetic right? Umm, no. I prayed some specific prayers but still got the answer NO. After 8 years of various struggles I had my 2 girls. And being a mum has been full of things I would never have dreamed of: good and bad.
I still pray. Although, sometimes big stuff I am reluctant to bring to God. The answers scare me. So I will keep going on and one day I will be able to trust fully again. Christians tell me that God has my good at the centre of His thinking (which in many respects I know and believe) and then they spend hours worrying about small things, sometimes to the point of inactivity. I am afraid Christians can be glib sometimes. I know I have btdt many a time.
Having said all that. I came home and wished I hadn't been so open. Now these ladies know something that I haven't shared with anyone (except my husband); at least not to the extend I told them. I am a PK and a PW so prayer should be easy for me!?!?! Later that day I was surfing the internet and I came across a website that has really helped me. Someone else understood how I think sometimes. My thoughts on infertility, not being able to be pregnant, bear a child, losing a few months of your child's life etc etc.
I read this article. Story a little different but someone understood. Maybe, if I can understand that my feelings in this are perfectly normal then I will be able to untangle my problems with prayer and trust.