Monday, 24 February 2014

What is my sacred scared?

I came across this blogging series this week.  It was good to read the stories of ladies who are doing things despite or maybe because of their imperfections.  It is a lesson that I am learning a lot recently.  I went to a Conference and had a great talk with someone whilst I was there.  During the course of my conversation I came to realise that a lot of my fears are based on my dread of being lonely or alone.  I am a people person; I love being with people and that energizes me.  However, I have spent a lot of my life struggling with thoughts of not being good enough to be accepted by people which inevitably has led to feelings of loneliness.  And then it has become a vicious circle.  One which I have fought for years to get out of, but that has made it worse and I became more entangled.

How on earth did this happen?  I was brought up in a busy family of four children, been part of a couple since the age of 17 and have been a mum for over 10 years.  But loneliness and the fear of people not liking me has hounded me for years.  It has crippled me from doing things in case I fail and cause people to laugh.

I thank God, for I believe those feelings are going, if not quite gone.  I can trace them to a time when I moved schools, was verbally bullied and made to feel very stupid.  I can also realise that I was never alone, not really anyway.  As a Christian, Jesus was always with me.  He guarded, kept and guided throughout the bleak times then and since.   It was a real release to sit in the Conference with lots of people around me and for that time not need others to affirm my worthiness.  I know that in Christ I am worthy and He has many a work for me to do.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Happy Heartaversary

To borrow a phrase left on my facebook status.  A year ago last week I had Open Heart Surgery to replace my leaky aortic valve.  I am doing well; having been discharged from the Surgical team and Cardiologist back in June and July.  I pop to the GP Surgery on a regular basis to get my Warfarin levels checked.  Once a year I will need a blood test to check the state of my kidneys due to the blood pressure tablets I am on.  Apart from that I no longer need any medical intervention.  Yippee.  (Although, I have found out I am more expensive to insure.  :) )

When the weather is better I am going to get training again as I am hoping to run a 5k in May.  If I cannot run it I will certainly walk/jog it.  I have not exercised much since the Autumn as I have been searching for a house to buy with my family.  We think we have found the right one so watch this space.

I have learnt an awful lot since having surgery.  On the day of the surgery I was amazed to wake up and find that I have slept the previous night.  It was wonderful to know that God gave the grace I needed for that day; a lesson that I am trying to put into practice.  I can only take one day at a time; this is coming useful in the house buying game.

I am also learning to try and step back from things which I cannot control.  I need to do the things my skills suit and leave others to do what they are gifted at.  Ultimately, God is in control of all.

I went to a Stress Busters Course; learnt some great things on it and have added them to some of the things I was already doing.  Each day my intention is to write down 3 positives things that happened to me.  I find it really helps put all of life into perspective.  I am planning on writing more things in my quotes book that I kept up in the lead up to Surgery, it has been neglected over the past 6 months or maybe more.  The trouble is I sing a hymn or come across something that is positive or encouraging and then forget to make a note of it.

My Surgery has definitely changed me for the better and I do thank God for His hand upon me all through that time.