Friday, 28 December 2012

"It's the final countdown!"

Well, Christmas 2012 is nearly over.  It was very pleasant.  I thoroughly enjoyed having someone else cook my Christmas dinner.  It was a real treat and one, quite frankly, I feel I deserved this year.  It has been wonderful to be able to take a back seat from some of the household tasks as my husband has been doing them.  When the edges of guilt started to creep in I banished them clear away.  There is no need for the guilt.  I am on the countdown to surgery so why shouldn't I take it slightly more easy?

We got a 'Wii' for the family this Christmas.  One of the songs reminded me that it is only a month to go before I am due to have my heart surgery.  I range from being really strong to being terrified.  In my Christian mind I know that all things are in God's hands.  I am sure I could recite loads of bible verses and often do to help me.  In my fearful state I imagine all sorts of things.  I need to carry a book around with me and write down the things that pop into my mind at any given opportunity.  ('What sort of bra can I wear in recovery?',  'Just how loudly will I tick?',  'Will I forget I tick and wonder where the noise is coming from?' 'Will I ever run or exercise again? 'and 'Will the ticking finally send me over the edge of insanity?') 

I wish I could write a blog about great strength and trust.  I may write more blogs about my feelings over the next month and during recovery.  I may wax lyrical about being carried where the way was too hard, I may let you into the dark humour that I use to get through and then again I may just rant about the unfairness of this situation.  One lesson I have learnt whilst waiting is that each day is different; one day I will be fine and the next I am planning an escape to some mountains where I can pretend that my valve will go on forever without the need of surgical replacement.

I obviously cannot tell you the future but mine will almost certainly hold pain, hard work and determination.  So to help with that I will buy some decent underwear and a cushion.  That way I will still be able to laugh without too much pain.  :)