Monday, 24 February 2014

What is my sacred scared?

I came across this blogging series this week.  It was good to read the stories of ladies who are doing things despite or maybe because of their imperfections.  It is a lesson that I am learning a lot recently.  I went to a Conference and had a great talk with someone whilst I was there.  During the course of my conversation I came to realise that a lot of my fears are based on my dread of being lonely or alone.  I am a people person; I love being with people and that energizes me.  However, I have spent a lot of my life struggling with thoughts of not being good enough to be accepted by people which inevitably has led to feelings of loneliness.  And then it has become a vicious circle.  One which I have fought for years to get out of, but that has made it worse and I became more entangled.

How on earth did this happen?  I was brought up in a busy family of four children, been part of a couple since the age of 17 and have been a mum for over 10 years.  But loneliness and the fear of people not liking me has hounded me for years.  It has crippled me from doing things in case I fail and cause people to laugh.

I thank God, for I believe those feelings are going, if not quite gone.  I can trace them to a time when I moved schools, was verbally bullied and made to feel very stupid.  I can also realise that I was never alone, not really anyway.  As a Christian, Jesus was always with me.  He guarded, kept and guided throughout the bleak times then and since.   It was a real release to sit in the Conference with lots of people around me and for that time not need others to affirm my worthiness.  I know that in Christ I am worthy and He has many a work for me to do.

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