A Beatiful Butterfly

The other night as we were kissing the girls goodnight, one of them was wrapped up like a caterpillar in a cocoon.  It got me thinking.  When the girls were small one of our favourite books was 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' by Eric Carle.



We loved that book, and read it over and over again.  Alas, they are too old for me to read it to them now.  Thankfully, I work with small children and can read it at my place of employment.

I feel a little like that caterpillar.  Not in terms of eating you understand, but metaphorically.  Way back in 1970 I was born, a small little baby ready for life.  As a child I remember being confident, and things nor people bothered me.  However, at some stage I allowed myself to become intimidated by life in general.  I began to think that everyone was better than me, in all things.  I told myself that lie, until it had worn a deep well travelled rut in my head.  I lost confidence and lived in a cocoon.  It was safe in there and I was less likely to get hurt. I preached to myself a message of 'You are not worth much', even though I  [actually should read: thought I]  believed that God took me for who I am!

Over the past few months it feels like I am coming out of that cocoon.  I hope and pray that I am emerging as a beautiful butterfly.  I am seeking to learn about my role as a woman:  what should I be doing?  How should I act?  What clothes should I wear?  What does the bible mean to me? At the moment, I have come to the conclusion that I am to live as a person made in the image of God: To love Him and serve Him and others wholeheartedly.  A lot is written in Christian blogs etc about Feminism or Submission of women under men - I really do not know what my thoughts on this are any more.  It was easier when I was dogmatic about this doctrine! 

I do know that by the grace of God, I have a certain amount of strength and I need to hold onto that.  I also, have come to realise that misplaced guilt has no place in my life.  Guilt that is real must drive me to repentance and change, but that is not what I am talking about here.  So, for now I want to live as a butterfly and show the beauty that God has produced in me to my family and the rest of the world.

Oh to be an artist.

I have always maintained that I am not an artist.  I have a real envy of those who can take a sketch book and recreate wonderful scenes.  My dad can draw and paint; and my 2 sisters follow in his footsteps.  I, on the other hand, take after my mum.  I may be up to a few stick figures scribbled on a piece of paper but that is the extent of my artistic ability.  In my mind art = creativity.  So if I cannot draw then I am not creative.  Or so, the logic went in my grey cells.

Well, that is what I have always told myself.  As I get older I am realizing that art is not the only area where a person can be creative.  I am discovering a small area where my creative side can be indulged, without costing me a fortune.  My daughters are extremely 'girly-girls' and they both have lovely medium to long ginger hair.  Recently, I came across a marvelous place on Youtube:  'Cute Girls Hairstyles'.  I have attempted a few styles already and they have not turned out too badly.  So hopefully, I will learn more and expand my creative nature. 

And when, I find an outlet for cheap fabric (locally or on-line), I will dust off my sewing machine and make some beautiful dresses to go with the fancy hairstyles.  If I keep practicing both I will be ready in time for the eldest daughter's prom in 4 years time.

Oasis of peace.

At church we have been going through the gospel of John.  We are near the end and have looked at the Easter story from that perspective.  One thing struck me at the end of Chapter 20 is that Jesus says to his disciples 3 times;  "Peace be with you." 

 Peace, is something that I need a lot of at the moment as my home can be really loud for a whole variety of different reasons.  Sometimes, it is my children not agreeing with what they have been asked to do  (Read: 2 girls who can shout a lot).  Sometimes, they are playing in a way which seems incredibly loud to my post-surgery self.  At other times it is the noise which emanates from the stereo or the WII. And then there are the friends which come to play occasionally.

Since, coming home from hospital I have learnt a lot of things about myself and how I deal with things.  One thing I now know is that I need peace and quiet; a small oasis of it each day.  I didn't realise how much until recently.  Realistically, I cannot crawl into a cave each day so I am trying to crave out areas of peace within me and without.  I am learning to make peace within even if the outside world is crazy.

From my reading of the scriptures I glean Jesus needed peace too.  He had the peace of God within His heart.  I need that and I thank God, that it is more evident nowadays.  I can cultivate that by reading my Bible, helpful devotional books, prayer and hymns, friendship with other Christians; basically developing a stronger relationship with Jesus.  Another way to have an inner peace is to stop comparing myself to others.  I have to work on being me; sometimes I will look the same as the people around me and other times I will look different. 

However, maybe because I have a weak faith, I am learning that I need some peace in my outside environment as well.  The constant stream of noise which goes with 21st living is not conducive to stopping my transformation into a grumpy old woman.  Unfortunately, I was not born with my mum's natural optimism towards life so developing inner peace is harder work.  With that in mind, I am seeking out ways of getting peace/being more peaceful.  Here are a few of my discoveries:

• Groove Shark has a large selection of relaxation music.  Listening to it does something to my soul.
• Walking has a calming influence.
• I have recently discovered that I have a talent to style my girl's hair.  Being creative brings its own calm.
• Reading a whole variety of different books.
• Playing the piano.  OK, so technically, that produces noise but somehow it makes me more peaceful on the inside.
• Searching for positive things and writing them in my special note-book.
• Actively seeking good positive friendships.
• Making this quote one of many to live by:  "Don't let the beggars get you down." 
• Excepting the real me and being positive about the achievements I have made.
• Finding the peace of God through a better friendship with Him.

Joni's Testimony regarding Suffering.

Joni's Corner | Joni and Friends

This is a talk by Joni Eareckson Tada.  I have known her story for years but have only recently come across her blog.  This is a good talk to listen to, it will take 40 minutes.

A remarkable lady.

 When I read this on Sarah Bessey's blog I struggled at first to think who I would write about.  My mum has influenced my life greatly; as have my sisters in completely different ways.  I have many wonderful friends (IRL and on-line) who have taught me so much.  I didn't write yesterday and then I remembered an amazing lady.  Ironically, she was a Spinster but such a spiritual blessing.

Miss B. had lived for many years with her sister, and then alone.  We visited her on a semi-regular basis and always came away uplifted.  She was only able to come to church once in a while.  Through the years we learnt her life story, and in many ways it was a sad one.  She had cared for her strong-willed mum, and because of that had sacrificed career and marriage.  She had been in love but her mum wouldn't let her marry.  She had wanted to train as a Doctor but that wasn't allowed either.  This wonderful Christian lady never complained; she told the story as a matter of fact not of complaint.  She smiled and laughed a lot and it was contagious.  She served her God by caring for her mum and then others.  In her latter years she was only able to walk slowly across her room with the aid of crutches.  She was determined and would make us cups of tea.  It wasn't unknown to enter her house and find her in the kitchen propped up by the oven making marmalade in a 100 year old copper pot.  She loved Jesus with a very deep love and would talk about Him every time we went.  During the end of her life she was unable to live in her own home so was moved to a beautiful Residential Home and it was there she died.  We still have her 'Common Book of Prayer' in our book collection which we use occasionally.

Tick, tick, tick.

I was told that I would hear my heart valve tick.  Whilst in hospital I wondered if they had put the correct kind of valve in because I didn't hear it.  I heard it tick the first night I came home.  It sounds weird but it is a good sound as it means that I am better; that I have a valve that is doing the job properly.

Obviously, having a valve that ticks means I am through surgery.  I had a couple of false-starts but eventually a date became available when my Surgeon was working and the Intensive Care beds were available.  This time 3 weeks ago I lost a day; according to my husband I was incredibly sleepy.  The staff needed to be firm in order for me to give a verbal response to their questions.  I must have satisfied their targets because they let me go back to the Cardio-thoracic ward.  Two days after surgery I was out of bed and sitting in a chair.  However, I wasn't really with it and didn't want to eat.

Three weeks on I am 'back to normal' (in terms of consciousness!), eating lots and walking upto 20 minutes at a time.  As far as I can tell from the Medical Personnel I have seen all is going well.  I regularly attend the INR clinic to have my Warfarin levels checked, have a phone number to arrange my Cardio Rehab and await a 6 week post-op check.

I thank God for the steps so far.  Each day is a miracle and looks very much the same but I don't mind.  I got through Open Heart Surgery and I am in the recovery stage.  A typical day for me at the moment is:

• Wake up and get out of bed.
• Read my Bible Devotional and book of Hymns.
• Eat breakfast and take some tablets.  
• Surf the net.
• Shower.
• Walk; now the they are longer I can have a purpose (eg: go to the shops to buy something.)  Next week I will go for the walks by myself.
• Sit and read my book.  Or do some puzzles.
• Have some lunch.
• Sleep for at least an hour.
• Read some more.  Spend time with any visitors.
• Dinner (some of them are being provided by Church friends.)
• Evening snuggle routine with the family.
• After the girls have gone to bed we watch one of our TV series.

At the moment, this routine is suiting me fine and I will adapt it when necessary.  I am determined to take this recovery slowly and get fit and strong.  

This time next week .....

.... I should be well over the operation part of my hospital stay.  God willing I will be in Intensive Care or High Dependency with most of the tubes removed.  I am looking forward to the surgery being in my past, instead of in my future.  Obviously, I will have a long recovery period but that is planned and I should get plenty of medical support. 

So in no particular order of importance, I give you the lessons that I have learnt:

• God is good even when I do not understand what the heck is going on.
• I am not always going to remember that God is good when the worries of life overwhelm me.
• Christians are very supportive.  I have people praying for me and my family all over the UK and in other parts of the world.
• Small manageable routines are great for sanity.  eg, write that diary entry every day.  Look for positive comments and quotes.
• Writing with a fountain pen is therapeutic.
• Take one day at a time as my human mind is not equipped to deal with so big a wait for any longer than that.  
• Relaxation therapy is good and some of that music makes me feel so dreamy and (wait for it) relaxed.
• I am stronger than I thought I was.
• Hospitals and Drs are not all of the devil, they are there to help.
• Sedation is a great way to get through really difficult medical tests. I need to take it if I need it and drop the 'tough girl' routine, it does not suit me.  Not all of us are like my mum who can have some dental treatment without anything to numb our gums!!!
• I am very grateful for modern medical advancement even if it meant I had to swallow a probe the size of a water hose. ;)
• Stop the guilt.  I was hoping to go through this experience with 'that peace' that people talk about.  I have not always had it.  When I stopped feeling guilty about it and admitted that this is BIG and anxiety etc was normal, I started feeling more positive towards the whole situation.
• It stinks having a dodgy heart valve that needs replacing.
• I am not afraid of dying (I know where my future lies) BUT I do not want my daughters to be without me.  They have already lost one mum.
• I am nervous of complications of surgery going wrong etc.
• I would love a rest from life's trials.  Please.
• My fear/anxiety about hospitals etc is part of me and probably will not go away this side of heaven.   I am not abnormal to feel this way.
• The human mind is an amazing thing and can block out huge things in order to make living possible.
• Emotions are strong and can come from nowhere.  I do not want to fight them, ignore them or bury them but just use them to live life to the full.
• People are flippant in tricky times because they do not know what to say.
• Humour is great even when facing major surgery. 
• Try not to sweat the small stuff.
• I love my running and exercise and cannot wait to get back to it.
• My job is great and a distraction from my own thoughts.  I love it.
• People are wonderful and caring.  I have had offers of help (in all manner of ways) from people at church, work and other places. 
• Family is important.
• My husband can cook real food and may be a contender for the 'best cook in this house' title.
• There is always someone in a worse situation than you.

I am sure there are lots more things I have learnt along this path.  I will learn a whole other set of them during my period of recovery and recuperation.  I may blog them when they become apparent but let me leave you with this quote that I stumbled across.